Friday, December 17, 2010

The True Story of Stompa Killa, The Venerable Deffdread

"Dey's gonna be comin' from ova dere, Thog.  'Kay?"

"'Kay Boss," Thog said.  Thog looked out through the tiny slit in the heavy armor of his body and saw the approaching flying things that were fully of the little pointy eared things that danced when they fought and liked to go fast almost as much as the boyz in the red trukks.

In his time, Thog had fought many many things.  He'd first fought what the Boss called Kayoss Boyz, and he'd chopped 'em up good.  They were always screaming about Blood and Skulls and stuff, and Thog guessed it was because they were always bleeding and their heads were coming off.  Then he'd fought against some more humies, and he ran right at them, but they shot him up good and he got stuck cause his legs stopped working and Ziggy, the Grot they gave him to fix him up got shot up so he had to wait for the Mek to come help him.

He'd fought against them tiny boyz with the flash guns, and he'd fought against them robot boyz with the glowy green bits and now he was fighting against the pointy eared thingies that liked to dance when they fought.  They were coming now, in tiny little speedy things that flew through the air like flies, and Thog lifted up all four of his arms and roared.

When the Big Mek had told him, "Thog, you's da stupidest git I ever met, and you ain't good fer nuthin' but choppin'," Thog had been so proud.  "You can't shoot nuffin' and yous can't think nuthin and yous gonna get blowed up good and big someday."  Thog had puffed his chest out with pride.  "Thog, I'm gonna puts you in a 'dread!"

"Wassa dead, boss?" Thog had said, and then the Big Mek had showed him the big stompy machine that was made out of killin' and choppin', and Thog had got very excited.  The Big Mek plugged him in and gave him all wires and needles and stuff in his brain, and then he'd let him out out and stomp and kill and the Big Mek started calling him Stompa Killa, and Thog got even prouder.

The mob of Boyz to Thog's right started charging, so Thog did too, his Dread creaking and groaning around his body, arms flailing and legs pumping.  Thog loved that sound, it was like smashing stuff together, which was always one of Thog's favorite hobbies.

Thog looked right and he saw the Boss, the one who'd told him where the pointy eared boys were coming from, and he was fighting hard will all the nobs and was cutting up them pointy eared boys but good.  They were fighting next to a great big glowy thing, then a bunch of beastie things and a two huge monster things came out of the portal and got stuck in with the Nobs.  Thog thought that looked like fun, and turned to go help.

The Boss killed one of the big monster things, but he got chopped to bits by it too.  Then the nobs killed all the beasties, and a moment later everything was done and there was nothing left to kill, Thog hadn't even gotten close.  he started to feel very disapointed, but then he felt a jerk and his entire metal body tipped to the side and almost fell.  One of his arms was laying on the ground, and some of them pointy eared boys were real close, reloading one of their pointy guns.  So Thog charged.

The pointy eared boys weren't really any fun to fight.  They screamed a lot, and they jumped around and lost limbs and blood and their inside bits and pretty soon there was nothing left of them but little bits that couldn't fight back, and that was no fun, so he found some more and did the same thing to them.  They ran away before Thog could kill more than a couple of them, and that was also no fun, so Thog looked for more things to fight.  That's when he noticed the trouble.

All the nobs were dead, and he couldn't see any more of the boys.  He tried to see the Big Mek, and when he turned all he saw was a swarm of beastie things ripping up the forest where he'd last seen him.  Thog suddenly felt worried.  He turned left and the mob he'd been supposed to protect was gone.  he turned right and the only one of the boys he could see was one of them flash gitz running away, and getting shot up by the pointy eared boyz.  Thog was alone.

He remembered something that the Big Mek had told him once, a long time ago.  He'd said, "Thog, you dumb git, listen up and listen good, 'kay?  Dem smarty boyz is gonna try and be sneaky, and dey's gonna shoot you in da back cause dey know yous dead killy in front.  You don't let dat happen, 'kay?  Yous my masterpiece, right?  So yous don't go gettin' dead without my say-so, 'kay?"

Thog tried to make sure he could see everyone, that no one was behind him, but he couldn't see behind him so he had to keep turning around to make sure.  That wasn't working at all, and he was starting to get worried when he saw a big metal building, and he came upon the most brilliant insight he'd ever had in all of his years.  If he put his back against that, then nothing could shoot it.

Thog backed up against the building, and then the firing started.  Big purple beams ripped through his armor, little sharp thingies bounced around off his armor and one of them slipped through his seeing slit and cut across his face inside his dread.  Thog was getting real scared now.  he didn't know what to do when he was alone.  Another pruple beam ripped a big hole in his armor and burned some of the tubes that the Big Mek had put in his arm.  Things were getting bad, real bad.  What was he supposed to do?  What would the Big Mek say?

"You ain't good fer nuthin' but choppin'."

So Thog chopped.  He ran out there through the purple beams and the sharp pointy things and the pointy eared boys who danced when they fought, and he chopped.  His arms came down and buzzaws chopped.  His arms came down and pincers chopped.  He chopped, and he chopped, and he stomped and he stomped and he killed and he killed and then the pointy eared boyz were running away, all away.  They were disappearing through the big blue glowy thing, and the ones that were left were dying and screaming and bleeding everywhere.  Thog looked around and everyone was gone.  All the boyz were gone, and the Boss was gone, and the Big Mek was gone, and the pointy eared boys that danced when they fought were gone.  The beastie things were gone, and the big monsters were gone, and the only thing left was Thog and the blood and the bits.

And it was good.

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