Monday, December 27, 2010

Happy Holiday Special

The pict screen video cleared, revealing a warm, rustic room in what appeared to be a log cabin.  In the hearth a rogue psyker's body burned with a pleasant crackle.  Two large chairs dominated the center of the room, both black leather and very comfortable looking.  In one sats a thin woman with light red hair pulled up into a fashionable bun.  She wore a pair of pince nez glasses and was dressed in a simple black dress and robe with a white sash around her waist.  She smiled pleasantly and raised a teacup in salute, "Hello friends, and happy Emperor's Day from the Cleansing Fire Commandery.  As you no doubt know, this is something of a tradition of the commandery, bringing the light of The Emperor to everyone on this, the day of His birth.  Isn't that right, Angelica?"

In the other chair slouched a more severe woman in battle worn power armor, her white hair cropped very close.  Her face was almost pretty, except for the scar across her left eye and the look of tedious boredom on her features.  "You got me on the fucking camera Kora.  Don't expect me to fucking play along.  I'll rip out your fucking windpipe and use it as a straw to suck your brains out through your eye sockets."  Angelica picked up a flamer from beside her chair and shot it over her shoulder into the fire, catching most of the hearth alight and sending flames licking up along the walls.  A moment later a trio of battle sisters rushed by, tossing buckets of water on the blaze.

"Right," Kora said, completely unflappable.  "And what a wonderful Emperor's Day it is.  It almost makes me want to break into song."


"Or not!" Kora said with a bright, if somewhat nervous smile.  "As our Cannoness has rightly pointed out, this is no time for singing.  There's a war on!"

"There's always a war on," Angelica said as she kicked her feet up onto the small table in front of them, splintering the wood.  "Think I'd be doing this if there wasn't a fucking war on?  God damned morale boosting piece of-"

"Oh look," Kora interjected suddenly, rising to her feet.  "There's someone at the door!"

"There is?"  Angelica craned her head around to look, and for a few awkward moments there was dead silence, then finally came a knocking.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Da Dark Eldar Menass

Sub: ++Fwd: Intercepted Inquisitork Research Report++
CC: ++palatinehalquin@cleansingfire.ecl++

+Burning Sands Battle Barge Tea Time intercepted this transmission from an Ork held world in the Dresdiff system.  Some kind of scientific report on the Dark Eldar by an Ork calling himself Interrogatork Snog.  Could have link to Inquisitor Kane?  Thought you'd want to see.  Been translated to Gothic for convenience.+

Dis is da news on dem tiny little gitz what gots dem pointy ears and wear dem spikes all da time, right?  Da Boss said I was da smartst ork he knew dat weren't himself so I'm supposed ta study dem.  So 'ere I go.

Dem boyz da boss calls da Dark Eldar is made of Goes Fast.  I seen dem do stuff dem Cult of Speed boyz couldn't do with all da teef in da verse.  Dey gets up in da air with dese big sleds what gots guns on dem and dey flies around real fast goin' bang.  Dey gots dese guns that shoot 'urty bits, and dey shoots 'em from da sky sleds like woosh.  I dunno what dey's like on da ground cause da only time we ever sawed them on the ground was when we blewed up da flying bits theys on.  Dats easy though.  A one armed grot with a spanner could knock one outta da sky.

Anyway, dey flies around a lot, and they shoots a lot, and I heard deys right choppy when dey get stuck in, but good luck ever gettin' 'em ta do dat.  It's all flyin for dem boys.  Dey gots dese lasers what don't make no noise but dey's still deady shooty, which I thought was dumb.  Who wants somethin' dead shooty if nobody knows you's shootin' it?

Dey also gots dese ugly beasts what run about bein ugly and chompin' but dey's no match for some good Nobs and choppas.  I did once dee dis Dark Eldar git with a sword what killed stuff right proper, suckin' da water outta da boyz, but he went all chopped up too when da boss got to 'im.

So dat's all.  Dey's fast, dey's choppy but don't chop, dey flies around a lot and are dead shooty but not too dead shooty and dey's really annoyin'.  Dere, I did my brain bitz.  Can I go shoot stuff now?

Interrogatork Snog of da Inquisitork Horde used ta be Big Mek Snog of da Bad Moon Clan.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Burning Sands Chapter vs The Locke Kabal

"Bugger all, does everyone have bloody transports but us?  Dirty pool, I say!"  Gregorious Chase picked up his cup of tea and started running, Chaplain Darnassus following behind and carrying the rest of the place setting.  "You'd think the foul beasts were too cowardly to face us honorably on the field of battle."

"Can't count much on Xenos honor, sir," Darnassus said.  "They haven't got the breeding for it."

"Quite right, Chaplain.  Let's find ourselves some proper gentlemen to slaughter in the name of The Emperor, what do you say old boy?"

"Jolly good sir."

Monday, December 20, 2010

Battle Report: The Burning Sands Legion vs Tommy's Greenskin Menace

Burning Sands Chapter
Chapter Master Gregorious Chase sat under his field tent, sipping tea and watching the battle through his field glasses.  Far in the distance he saw his brave fighting marines staring down the approach of four Ork Battlewagons full of shoota boyz.  He glanced to his second in command, Chaplain Darnassus and said, "I say, is that the entirety of their army?"

"I believe so," Darnassus said, refilling his master's tea cup.  "Rather lacks finesse, doesn't it?"

"Indeed," Chase said, and looked at his reserves.  A squad of scouts loading into their Landspeeder and his Vanguard veterans testing their jump packs in perparation for a deep strike, then he looked back to the battle.  The wagons were much closer, and lascannon beams were bouncing off of them like lasguns off of terminators.  "Bugger that then.  Let's go home."

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Profiles in Power: Canoness Angelica Cross

Name: Angelica Cross
Position: Cannoness of the Cleansing Fire Commandery, Order of Our Martyred Lady
Age: "Fuck you."
Weight: "You fuck."
Height: "I'll rip your eyes out of your skull."
Favorite Food: "And I'll feed them to your mother."
Favorite Holo-Pict: "Anally."

Bio:  Angelica Cross was raised on an unknown Hive World which she has only ever described as "A miserable hellhole full of scum and shit that needs an exterminatus more than a Farseer needs an anal stick extraction."  Taken in by the church after having raised herself on the streets in a hive gang, Angelica took to the Ecclisiarchy "like a 'slaught junkie on a half naked twelve year old."  Her local parish decided to hand her over to the Order of Our Martyred Lady after the third time the Arbites brought her home asking where she'd gotten hold of an autogun after they expressly forbid her from being near anything more dangerous than a plastic spoon and really this was getting quite tiring and Officer Brandt was finding replacement eyes to cut deeply into his savings account.

Angelica was accepted into the order with open arms, followed very quickly by shouts of pain as they'd been quite remiss in keeping their guard up during the hugs.  Angelica became almost as adept at cleaning the kitchens in punishment as she was at combat, and very soon she was promoted to full Battle Sister.  During her first battle she decided that her bolter didn't kill heretics fast enough and trained herself in the use of a fallen sister's flamethrower through trial and error.  Trial being  pulling the trigger, and error being burning down the entire hab block.

Upon her return she was promoted to a Dominion Squad, and over the course of several battles was given the rank of Sister Superior in the hopes that giving her a power sword instead of a flamer would result in less damage to valuable equipment when she inevitably used it to bash in the skulls of whatever she happened to be fighting at the time.  From there she was given unto the Seraphim in an effort to keep collateral damage to a minimum by not letting her anywhere near the Order's tanks.  After Meltabombs revealed the Order's terrible mistake in this decision she was made a Celestian, given a bolter again and asked to guard the Palatine in charge of her commandery.

The Investigation of Ondine proved to be a turning point in her career as it was discovered that Angelica, full of the Emperor's Holy Light, can not be expected to reign in her holy zeal during bodyguard duty.  Her Palatine's unfortunate end, which culminated in the phrase, "Stop!  Stop!  Oh Holy Emperor why won't she stop?!" presented an opportunity for promotion, and she was given command of the Cleansing Fire Commandery.  She has since been promoted to Canoness due to the fact that her commandery did not have one, and upon asking why not none of the upper echelon of the Ecclisiarchy felt safe in telling her that she couldn't be one.

She has led her commandery on numerous expeditions throughout the years, racking up an impressive amount of victories and more than a few losses, but she has always led her troops in horribly bloody massacres that whittle down the number of the Emperor's enemies by a considerable amount, win or lose.

"Don't you fucking judge me," she is fond of saying to her naysayers.  "I'll shove a melta-bomb down your throat and use you as an anti-tank mine you skinny piece of shit."

Friday, December 17, 2010

The True Story of Stompa Killa, The Venerable Deffdread

"Dey's gonna be comin' from ova dere, Thog.  'Kay?"

"'Kay Boss," Thog said.  Thog looked out through the tiny slit in the heavy armor of his body and saw the approaching flying things that were fully of the little pointy eared things that danced when they fought and liked to go fast almost as much as the boyz in the red trukks.

In his time, Thog had fought many many things.  He'd first fought what the Boss called Kayoss Boyz, and he'd chopped 'em up good.  They were always screaming about Blood and Skulls and stuff, and Thog guessed it was because they were always bleeding and their heads were coming off.  Then he'd fought against some more humies, and he ran right at them, but they shot him up good and he got stuck cause his legs stopped working and Ziggy, the Grot they gave him to fix him up got shot up so he had to wait for the Mek to come help him.

He'd fought against them tiny boyz with the flash guns, and he'd fought against them robot boyz with the glowy green bits and now he was fighting against the pointy eared thingies that liked to dance when they fought.  They were coming now, in tiny little speedy things that flew through the air like flies, and Thog lifted up all four of his arms and roared.

When the Big Mek had told him, "Thog, you's da stupidest git I ever met, and you ain't good fer nuthin' but choppin'," Thog had been so proud.  "You can't shoot nuffin' and yous can't think nuthin and yous gonna get blowed up good and big someday."  Thog had puffed his chest out with pride.  "Thog, I'm gonna puts you in a 'dread!"

"Wassa dead, boss?" Thog had said, and then the Big Mek had showed him the big stompy machine that was made out of killin' and choppin', and Thog had got very excited.  The Big Mek plugged him in and gave him all wires and needles and stuff in his brain, and then he'd let him out out and stomp and kill and the Big Mek started calling him Stompa Killa, and Thog got even prouder.

The mob of Boyz to Thog's right started charging, so Thog did too, his Dread creaking and groaning around his body, arms flailing and legs pumping.  Thog loved that sound, it was like smashing stuff together, which was always one of Thog's favorite hobbies.

Thog looked right and he saw the Boss, the one who'd told him where the pointy eared boys were coming from, and he was fighting hard will all the nobs and was cutting up them pointy eared boys but good.  They were fighting next to a great big glowy thing, then a bunch of beastie things and a two huge monster things came out of the portal and got stuck in with the Nobs.  Thog thought that looked like fun, and turned to go help.

The Boss killed one of the big monster things, but he got chopped to bits by it too.  Then the nobs killed all the beasties, and a moment later everything was done and there was nothing left to kill, Thog hadn't even gotten close.  he started to feel very disapointed, but then he felt a jerk and his entire metal body tipped to the side and almost fell.  One of his arms was laying on the ground, and some of them pointy eared boys were real close, reloading one of their pointy guns.  So Thog charged.

The pointy eared boys weren't really any fun to fight.  They screamed a lot, and they jumped around and lost limbs and blood and their inside bits and pretty soon there was nothing left of them but little bits that couldn't fight back, and that was no fun, so he found some more and did the same thing to them.  They ran away before Thog could kill more than a couple of them, and that was also no fun, so Thog looked for more things to fight.  That's when he noticed the trouble.

All the nobs were dead, and he couldn't see any more of the boys.  He tried to see the Big Mek, and when he turned all he saw was a swarm of beastie things ripping up the forest where he'd last seen him.  Thog suddenly felt worried.  He turned left and the mob he'd been supposed to protect was gone.  he turned right and the only one of the boys he could see was one of them flash gitz running away, and getting shot up by the pointy eared boyz.  Thog was alone.

He remembered something that the Big Mek had told him once, a long time ago.  He'd said, "Thog, you dumb git, listen up and listen good, 'kay?  Dem smarty boyz is gonna try and be sneaky, and dey's gonna shoot you in da back cause dey know yous dead killy in front.  You don't let dat happen, 'kay?  Yous my masterpiece, right?  So yous don't go gettin' dead without my say-so, 'kay?"

Thog tried to make sure he could see everyone, that no one was behind him, but he couldn't see behind him so he had to keep turning around to make sure.  That wasn't working at all, and he was starting to get worried when he saw a big metal building, and he came upon the most brilliant insight he'd ever had in all of his years.  If he put his back against that, then nothing could shoot it.

Thog backed up against the building, and then the firing started.  Big purple beams ripped through his armor, little sharp thingies bounced around off his armor and one of them slipped through his seeing slit and cut across his face inside his dread.  Thog was getting real scared now.  he didn't know what to do when he was alone.  Another pruple beam ripped a big hole in his armor and burned some of the tubes that the Big Mek had put in his arm.  Things were getting bad, real bad.  What was he supposed to do?  What would the Big Mek say?

"You ain't good fer nuthin' but choppin'."

So Thog chopped.  He ran out there through the purple beams and the sharp pointy things and the pointy eared boys who danced when they fought, and he chopped.  His arms came down and buzzaws chopped.  His arms came down and pincers chopped.  He chopped, and he chopped, and he stomped and he stomped and he killed and he killed and then the pointy eared boyz were running away, all away.  They were disappearing through the big blue glowy thing, and the ones that were left were dying and screaming and bleeding everywhere.  Thog looked around and everyone was gone.  All the boyz were gone, and the Boss was gone, and the Big Mek was gone, and the pointy eared boys that danced when they fought were gone.  The beastie things were gone, and the big monsters were gone, and the only thing left was Thog and the blood and the bits.

And it was good.