Saturday, December 18, 2010

Profiles in Power: Canoness Angelica Cross

Name: Angelica Cross
Position: Cannoness of the Cleansing Fire Commandery, Order of Our Martyred Lady
Age: "Fuck you."
Weight: "You fuck."
Height: "I'll rip your eyes out of your skull."
Favorite Food: "And I'll feed them to your mother."
Favorite Holo-Pict: "Anally."

Bio:  Angelica Cross was raised on an unknown Hive World which she has only ever described as "A miserable hellhole full of scum and shit that needs an exterminatus more than a Farseer needs an anal stick extraction."  Taken in by the church after having raised herself on the streets in a hive gang, Angelica took to the Ecclisiarchy "like a 'slaught junkie on a half naked twelve year old."  Her local parish decided to hand her over to the Order of Our Martyred Lady after the third time the Arbites brought her home asking where she'd gotten hold of an autogun after they expressly forbid her from being near anything more dangerous than a plastic spoon and really this was getting quite tiring and Officer Brandt was finding replacement eyes to cut deeply into his savings account.

Angelica was accepted into the order with open arms, followed very quickly by shouts of pain as they'd been quite remiss in keeping their guard up during the hugs.  Angelica became almost as adept at cleaning the kitchens in punishment as she was at combat, and very soon she was promoted to full Battle Sister.  During her first battle she decided that her bolter didn't kill heretics fast enough and trained herself in the use of a fallen sister's flamethrower through trial and error.  Trial being  pulling the trigger, and error being burning down the entire hab block.

Upon her return she was promoted to a Dominion Squad, and over the course of several battles was given the rank of Sister Superior in the hopes that giving her a power sword instead of a flamer would result in less damage to valuable equipment when she inevitably used it to bash in the skulls of whatever she happened to be fighting at the time.  From there she was given unto the Seraphim in an effort to keep collateral damage to a minimum by not letting her anywhere near the Order's tanks.  After Meltabombs revealed the Order's terrible mistake in this decision she was made a Celestian, given a bolter again and asked to guard the Palatine in charge of her commandery.

The Investigation of Ondine proved to be a turning point in her career as it was discovered that Angelica, full of the Emperor's Holy Light, can not be expected to reign in her holy zeal during bodyguard duty.  Her Palatine's unfortunate end, which culminated in the phrase, "Stop!  Stop!  Oh Holy Emperor why won't she stop?!" presented an opportunity for promotion, and she was given command of the Cleansing Fire Commandery.  She has since been promoted to Canoness due to the fact that her commandery did not have one, and upon asking why not none of the upper echelon of the Ecclisiarchy felt safe in telling her that she couldn't be one.

She has led her commandery on numerous expeditions throughout the years, racking up an impressive amount of victories and more than a few losses, but she has always led her troops in horribly bloody massacres that whittle down the number of the Emperor's enemies by a considerable amount, win or lose.

"Don't you fucking judge me," she is fond of saying to her naysayers.  "I'll shove a melta-bomb down your throat and use you as an anti-tank mine you skinny piece of shit."

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