Sunday, March 6, 2011

Luckeez Wurlies

It was the feel of the wind on his face that really made everything worthwhile for Luckee, ace pilot of the Inquisitorks.  The blades of his kustom built Dethkopta whipped overhead with the sound of rattling metal and parts ready to fly off and explode from the immense torque provided by the terribly over sized jet engines located behind his head.  It sounded like an Ork vehicle.  It sounded fast.

Now any old Git could tell you that Luckee was the best pilot to ever put his teeth on the steering column of a Kopta.  Any old git that wasn't part of the Roar of Mork, that other skwardon of Koptas  that thought they was better than Luckees Wurlies, but those gits were off their rockers.  Everybody knew Luckee's Wurlies flew faster, lower and more explodey than them Roar boyz could even dream of.  Heck, Luckee had even made sure all of the boyz in his skwadron had extra large fuel tanks so that when they hit stuff the fireball was bigger.  Yes sir, Luckee was the cream of the crop.  The biggest squig in the pile.  The top notch of all notches.  heck, the only reason he wasn't a nob by now was because he couldn't fit in his chair if he got any bigger.

Today they were fighting something the boss called Pants Thieves.  Apparently they snuck right up on you and stole your jeans, which was really a lot more sneaky than Luckee thought anything should be.  After all, what' the point of going anywhere if everybody didn't know you were coming?  It just made no sense.  Nobody had a problem spotting Luckee's Wurlies coming.  If the screaming of their engines and the huge, thick clouds of black smoke they trailed behind them weren't enough, Luckee had devised a way to make sure that everyone knew exactly who was coming to ruin their day.  As Luckee and his wingmen Dimgutz and Fragga crested the top of the hill, Luckee spotted the enemy and hit the switch  right next to the big red GO! button on his control panel.  The speakers tucked right up under the Rokkit Launchas at the front of his Kopta blared out something the Madboyz back home called 'Flight uv da Orkyries' but which to Luckee had always just sounded like a couple dozen boyz being flung off a cliff.  Still, it always had the desired effect.  The enemy looked up to search for the suicidal orks falling from the sky and they saw Luckee and his boyz.

When he pointed this out to the boss the boss had said something about irony being lost on him, but no matter how hard Luckee searched he couldn't find it anywhere.

The enemy today was this big ugly bug thing that was floating in mid air like some idiot, not even going fast, so Luckee waved his arm to signal to the boyz and they swept in for an attack run.  A cloud of rokkits filled the air, streaking towards the bug thing and impacting all around it, most missing horribly, but one catching the bug right in the face.  it exploded big and bright, just like Luckee liked, but when the smoke cleared the bug was still there, unscatched, a crackling field of energy surrounding it.  Luckee thought that was unfair, so as he flew by he cracked it across the face with the chain he kept tucked under his seat for just such instances, and tore its face clean off.  Fragga cheered him, waving one arm wildly above his head, and losing three fingers in the kopta blades, and Luckee gave him a thumbs up.  One more notch on the control stick for ace pilot Luckee.

The skwadron banked off and spotted more bugs in a building a little ways away, and Luckee brought his kopta in low for another attack run.  More rockets flared and the ruin of a building blossomed into a half dozen fireballs before the koptas smashed through the windows of the first floor in what had to be, Luckee thought, the most awe inspiring sneak attack ever devised.  Unfortunately Dimgutz missed a window and blasted straight through a wall, careening into the old building in a tailspin and bouncing off of hunks of rubble and more bugs.  His kopta blades took the arm off of one of the bugs though, and Luckee's chain knocked another one flat.  Fragga couldn't figure out how to fly and swing his choppa at the same time when only one of his hands had fingers, so mostly just hovered in the center of the ruin aimlessly.

They kept fighting the bugs for a whle, but then Luckee spotted the prize.  A great big bug, bigger than any bug he had ever seen, and just flown down from the heavens and started shooting up more koptas from that Roar of Mork skwadron.  Luckee let out a roar and took off out of the ruin, his boyz following him.  He'd show those Roar gitz what real kopta pilots could do.

The big bug lifted off the ground with huge leathery wings and fired off some great big shoota at the Roar of Mork boyz, who mostly died.  Gamgatsa, the skwadron leader of the Roar of Mork managed to dodge out of the way though, and flew off, shouting curses at the big bug.  What a useless git.  With his boyz formed up on him, Luckee came in tight and low, in perfect formation, then unleashed more rokkits.  It was the most beautiful bombing pattern he'd ever seen.  All six rokkits hit home, blowing great big chunks out of the huge bug's backside.  Then Luckee's Wurlies flew in for the kill.

This bug was no pushover though, and that made it fun.  it spun in mid air, terribly agile for its size, and swatted Fragga out of the air with a giant sword made of bone.  Fragga howled as his kopta pirouetted into the ground, then erupted in a huge fireball, just like Luckee designed.  It was beautiful.  Luckee smashed his chain against the monster's face, and Dimgutz swung in, raking his kopta blade's across the thing's backside, but they just couldn't pierce its armor.  It was a tough son of a squig, Luckee gave it that.  He waved his arm, breaking off from the wickedly fast flying monster, ready to come about for another pass with the rokkits, but a blast from behind tore the tail rotor off of Dimgutz' kopta, and the ork went sailing into the side of a building below them.  It was really pretty.

Spinning his Kopta around, Luckee saw even more bugs coming, led by the great big bug, so Luckee hit the throttle even harder and rushed right at them, the last of his rokkits firing away into the air, hitting nothing.  He raised his chain, ready for the killing blow on the big buggie that was now engaged with some Nobs on the ground, when something sharp and biting wrapped his kopta up like a bondage squig on a Gorkmas Eve.  The sharp, barbed, strangly thing wrenched up his gears and gubbins, and his kopta stalled.  With a howl of sheer pleasure, Luckee plunged down to the ground, faster than he'd gone all day.  The skids of the kopta hit the mud and slid, then upended as he hit the corpse of a nob.  Luckee flew out of his seat, tumbling and rolling until he landed face first on the body of the boss himself.  The big bug stood towering over him, glaring with big ugly glaring bug eyes.

Luckee stood up, wrapped his chain around one fist, raised his other and gave the bug the finger.  Its bone sword came rushing down at his head, then stopped in mid motion.  The big bug convulsed and twitched, then coughed, hacking up giant bug lungfulls of snotlings that rained down around Luckee in a crazed frenzy.  He swatted a few away, then turned around to see hundreds of snotlings falling from the sky, landing on other flying bugs and bringing them down, or ripping out of the chests of walking bugs nearby.  The big bug keeled over dead, and more snotlings swarmed out of every orifice, panicked and dying of fright the moment they were free.  In the distance, Luckee could see a Big Mek loading more snotlings into his giant whirling gun, and Luckee whistled.

He had to get one of those on his kopta.


  1. Was SUCH a fantastic game, made moreso by the ending. I love gaming with you, such antics ensue that I'm constantly entertained!

  2. That was absolutely amazing.

    "...floating in mid air like some idiot, not even going fast." You made me lol at work. :-)